Advice from Steve
Sound reasoning for troubled people. Lost in a world of indifference? Cast adrift in a sea of apathy? Whatever. Ask for help from me. I'll always be there to lend a sympathetic ear, or at least pretend too.
Steve,
I am getting angry complaints from friends and family about my e-mail. You see, I have their e-mail addresses, but I still don't write to them. It's nothing personal, but I don't have time. Or when I do have time, I'm so tired I can't write. What should I do?
Tammy
Wexford, New Jersey
Tammy,
These are busy times we live in. I myself have battled the e-mail dilemma. You care about your family, and friends, or else you wouldn't take the time to gather their e-mail addresses. You don't want to hurt their tiny feelings by telling them the truth about your lack of sleep, or your shortage of time. Who would? So here are some lies I tell the people I'm close to, just to spare their feelings. Tell them that you are so close to them, that their distance reminds you of God. You don't see them, or speak to them directly, but you know that they're always there, and that their love and acceptance of the person you are, is boundless. Or tell them that you're being stalked. Not necessarily by a co-worker, or someone from the bar, but by some nameless creature. A savage entity bent on your mental and physical destruction. Also mention that you're most vulnerable when near any computer. Now would be a good time to hit them up for some money. Tell them it's for a protection ritual. Or here's one that works. Tell them that being around any modem causes you to have thermonuclear diarrhea. The descriptor "the screamin' shits" doesn't begin to cover it. Tell them it's more like "the shriekin' to the powers that be as my colon voids so quickly that I feel like I'm gonna be pulled inside out back-door plumbing expulsion!" Say it all in one giant word. It make it more believable. If none of these excuses work for you, try making your own up. It's creative, and it's just one more reason not to write those you love.